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Category: Funny Burlesque Poems
       Classic humorous and funny poems using comic imitation and exaggeration in an absurd way.

  A SOLILOQUY  

I am a hearthrug--
    Yes, a rug--
Though I cannot describe myself as snug;
Yet I know that for me they paid a price
For a Turkey carpet that would suffice
(But we live in an age of rascal vice).
            Why was I ever woven,
For a clumsy lout, with a wooden leg,
To come with his endless Peg! Peg!
                Peg! Peg!
            With a wooden leg,
Till countless holes I'm drove in.
("Drove," I have said, and it should be "driven";
A hearthrug's blunders should be forgiven,
For wretched scribblers have exercised
            Such endless bosh and clamour,
So improvidently have improvised,
That they've utterly ungrammaticised
            Our ungrammatical grammar).
            And the coals
            Burn holes,
            Or make spots like moles,
And my lily-white tints, as black as your hat turn,
And the housemaid (a matricide, will-forging slattern),
            Rolls
            The rolls
            From the plate, in shoals,
When they're put to warm in front of the coals;
And no one with me condoles,
For the butter stains on my beautiful pattern.
But the coals and rolls, and sometimes soles,
Dropp'd from the frying-pan out of the fire.
Are nothing to raise my indignant ire,
            Like the Peg! Peg!
Of that horrible man with the wooden leg.
This moral spread from me,
    Sing it, ring it, yelp it--
Never a hearthrug be,
    That is if you can help it.

                                     Unknown.


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