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Category: Funny Burlesque Poems
       Classic humorous and funny poems using comic imitation and exaggeration in an absurd way.

  BEHOLD THE DEEDS  

(Being the Plaint of Adolphe Culpepper Ferguson, Salesman of Fancy
Notions, held in durance of his Landlady for a failure to connect on
Saturday night.)

                                     I

I would that all men my hard case might know;
    How grievously I suffer for no sin:
I, Adolphe Culpepper Ferguson, for lo!
    I, of my landlady am lockËd in.
For being short on this sad Saturday,
Nor having shekels of silver wherewith to pay,
She has turned and is departed with my key;
Wherefore, not even as other boarders free,
    I sing (as prisoners to their dungeon stones
When for ten days they expiate a spree):
    Behold the deeds that are done of Mrs. Jones!

                                     II

One night and one day have I wept my woe;
    Nor wot I when the morrow doth begin,
If I shall have to write to Briggs and Co.,
    To pray them to advance the requisite tin
For ransom of their salesman, that he may
Go forth as other boarders go alway--
As those I hear now flocking from their tea,
Led by the daughter of my landlady
    Pianoward. This day for all my moans,
Dry bread and water have been servËd me.
    Behold the deeds that are done of Mrs. Jones!

                                    III

Miss Amabel Jones is musical, and so
    The heart of the young he-boarder doth win,
Playing "The Maiden's Prayer," adagio--
    That fetcheth him, as fetcheth the banco skin
The innocent rustic. For my part, I pray:
That Badarjewska maid may wait for aye
Ere sits she with a lover, as did we
Once sit together, Amabel! Can it be
    That all of that arduous wooing not atones
For Saturday shortness of trade dollars three?
    Behold the deeds that are done of Mrs. Jones!

                                     IV

Yea! she forgets the arm was wont to go
    Around her waist. She wears a buckle whose pin
Galleth the crook of the young man's elbow;
    I forget not, for I that youth have been.
Smith was aforetime the Lothario gay.
Yet once, I mind me, Smith was forced to stay
Close in his room. Not calm, as I, was he;
But his noise brought no pleasaunce, verily.
    Small ease he gat of playing on the bones,
Or hammering on his stove-pipe, that I see.
    Behold the deeds that are done of Mrs. Jones!

                                     V

Thou, for whose fear the figurative crow
    I eat, accursed be thou and all thy kin!
Thee will I show up--yea, up will I show
    Thy too thick buckwheats, and thy tea too thin.
Ay! here I dare thee, ready for the fray!
Thou dost not keep a first-class house, I say!
It does not with the advertisements agree.
Thou lodgest a Briton with a pugaree,
    And thou hast harbored Jacobses and Cohns,
Also a Mulligan. Thus denounce I thee!
    Behold the deeds that are done of Mrs. Jones!

                                 ENVOY

Boarders! the worst I have not told to ye:
She hath stole my trousers, that I may not flee
    Privily by the window. Hence these groans,
There is no fleeing in a robe de nuit.
    Behold the deeds that are done of Mrs. Jones!

                                                                H. C. Bunner.


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