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Category: Funny Cynicism Poems
       Classic humorous and funny poems using cynicism and a disdain for general opinion, as well as distrust of the intentions of others.

  THE ANNUITY  

I gaed to spend a week in Fife--
    An unco week it proved to be--
For there I met a waesome wife
    Lamentin' her viduity.
Her grief brak out sae fierce and fell,
I thought her heart wad burst the shell;
And,--I was sae left to mysel',--
    I sell't her an annuity.

The bargain lookit fair eneugh--
    She just was turned o' saxty-three--
I couldna guessed she'd prove sae teugh,
    By human ingenuity.
But years have come, and years have gane,
And there she's yet as stieve as stane--
The limmer's growin' young again,
    Since she got her annuity.

She's crined' awa' to bane and skin,
    But that, it seems, is nought to me;
She's like to live--although she's in
    The last stage o' tenuity.
She munches wi' her wizen'd gums,
An' stumps about on legs o' thrums;
But comes, as sure as Christmas comes,
    To ca' for her annuity.

I read the tables drawn wi' care
    For an insurance company;
Her chance o' life was stated there,
    Wi' perfect perspicuity.
But tables here or tables there,
She's lived ten years beyond her share,
An' 's like to live a dozen mair,
    To ca' for her annuity.

Last Yule she had a fearfu' host,
    I thought a kink might set me free--
I led her out, 'mang snaw and frost,
    Wi' constant assiduity.
But deil ma' care--the blast gaed by,
And miss'd the auld anatomy--
It just cost me a tooth, for bye
    Discharging her annuity.

If there's a' sough o' cholera,
    Or typhus,--wha sae gleg as she?
She buys up baths, an' drugs, an' a',
    In siccan superfluity!
She doesna need--she's fever proof--
The pest walked o'er her very roof--
She tauld me sae--an' then her loof
    Held out for her annuity.

Ae day she fell, her arm she brak--
    A compound fracture as could be--
Nae leech the cure wad undertake,
    Whate'er was the gratuity.
It's cured! She handles 't like a flail--
It does as weel in bits as hale--
But I'm a broken man mysel'
    Wi' her and her annuity.

Her broozled flesh and broken banes
    Are weel as flesh and banes can be.
She beats the taeds that live in stanes,
    An' fatten in vacuity!
They die when they're exposed to air--
They canna thole the atmosphere;
But her!--expose her onywhere--
    She lives for her annuity.

If mortal means could nick her thread,
    Sma' crime it wad appear to me;
Ca't murder, or ca't homicide,
    I'd justify 't--an' do it tae.
But how to fell a withered wife
That's carved out o' the tree o' life--
The timmer limmer daurs the knife
    To settle her annuity.

I'd try a shot: but whar's the mark?--
    Her vital parts are hid frae me;
Her backbane wanders through her sark
    In an unkenn'd corkscrewity.
She's palsified--an shakes her head
Sae fast about, ye scarce can see;
It's past the power o' steel or lead
    To settle her annuity.

She might be drowned--but go she'll not
    Within a mile o' loch or sea;
Or hanged--if cord could grip a throat
    O' siccan exiguity.
It's fitter far to hang the rope--
It draws out like a telescope;
'Twad tak a dreadfu' length o' drop
    To settle her annuity.

Will puzion do't?--It has been tried;
    But, be't in hash or fricassee,
That's just the dish she can't abide,
    Whatever kind o' gout it hae.
It's needless to assail her doubts,
She gangs by instinct, like the brutes,
An' only eats an' drinks what suits
    Hersel' and her annuity.

The Bible says the age o' man
    Threescore and ten, perchance, may be;
She's ninety-four. Let them who can,
    Explain the incongruity.
She should hae lived afore the flood--
She's come o' patriarchal blood,
She's some auld Pagan mummified
    Alive for her annuity.

She's been embalmed inside and oot--
    She's sauted to the last degree--
There's pickle in her very snoot
    Sae caper-like an' cruety.
Lot's wife was fresh compared to her--
They've kyanized the useless knir,
She canna decompose--nae mair
    Than her accursed annuity.

The water-drop wears out the rock,
    As this eternal jaud wears me;
I could withstand the single shock,
    But not the continuity.
It's pay me here, an' pay me there,
An' pay me, pay me, evermair--
I'll gang demented wi' despair--
    I'm charged for her annuity.

                                George Outram.


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