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Category: Funny Narrative Poems
       Classic humorous and funny story poems. Narrative poems are written accounts of connected events in poetry format.

  THE RETIRED PORK-BUTCHER AND THE SPOOK  

    I may as well
    Proceed to tell
About a Mister Higgs,
    Who grew quite rich
    In trade--the which
Was selling pork and pigs.

    From trade retired,
    He much desired
To rank with gentlefolk,
    So bought a place
    He called "The Chase,"
And furnished it--old oak.

    Ancestors got
    (Twelve pounds the lot,
In Tottenham Court Road);
    A pedigree--
    For nine pounds three,--
The Heralds' Court bestowed.

    Within the hall,
    And on the wall,
Hung armour bright and strong.
    "To Ethelbred"--
    The label read--
"De Higgs, this did belong."

    'Twas quite complete,
    This country seat,
Yet neighbours stayed away.
    Nobody called,--
    Higgs was blackballed,--
Which caused him great dismay.

    "Why can it be?"
    One night said he
When thinking of it o'er.
    There came a knock
    ('Twas twelve o'clock)
Upon his chamber door.

    Higgs cried, "Come in!"
    A vapour thin
The keyhole wandered through.
    Higgs rubbed his eyes
    In mild surprise:
A ghost appeared in view.

    "I beg," said he,
    "You'll pardon me,
In calling rather late.
    A family ghost,
    I seek a post,
With wage commensurate.

    "I'll serve you well;
    My 'fiendish yell'
Is certain sure to please.
    'Sepulchral tones,'
    And 'rattling bones,'
I'm very good at these.

    "Five bob I charge
    To roam at large,
With 'clanking chains' ad lib.;
    I do such things
    As 'gibberings'
At one-and-three per gib.

    "Or, by the week,
    I merely seek
Two pounds--which is not dear;
    Because I need,
    Of course, no feed,
No washing, and no beer."

    Higgs thought it o'er
    A bit, before
He hired the family ghost,
    But, finally,
    He did agree
To give to him the post.

    It got about--
    You know, no doubt,
How quickly such news flies--
    Throughout the place,
    From "Higgses Chase"
Proceeded ghostly cries.

    The rumour spread,
    Folks shook their head,
But dropped in one by one.
    A bishop came
    (Forget his name),
And then the thing was done.

    For afterwards
    All left their cards,
"Because," said they, "you see,
    One who can boast
    A family ghost
Respectable must be."

    When it was due,
    The "ghostes's" screw
Higgs raised--as was but right--
    They often play,
    In friendly way,
A game of cards at night.

                    G. E. Farrow.


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