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Category: Funny Narrative Poems
Classic humorous and funny story poems. Narrative poems are written accounts of connected events in poetry format. THE RETIRED PORK-BUTCHER AND THE SPOOK I may as well
Proceed to tell
About a Mister Higgs,
Who grew quite rich
In trade--the which
Was selling pork and pigs.
From trade retired,
He much desired
To rank with gentlefolk,
So bought a place
He called "The Chase,"
And furnished it--old oak.
Ancestors got
(Twelve pounds the lot,
In Tottenham Court Road);
A pedigree--
For nine pounds three,--
The Heralds' Court bestowed.
Within the hall,
And on the wall,
Hung armour bright and strong.
"To Ethelbred"--
The label read--
"De Higgs, this did belong."
'Twas quite complete,
This country seat,
Yet neighbours stayed away.
Nobody called,--
Higgs was blackballed,--
Which caused him great dismay.
"Why can it be?"
One night said he
When thinking of it o'er.
There came a knock
('Twas twelve o'clock)
Upon his chamber door.
Higgs cried, "Come in!"
A vapour thin
The keyhole wandered through.
Higgs rubbed his eyes
In mild surprise:
A ghost appeared in view.
"I beg," said he,
"You'll pardon me,
In calling rather late.
A family ghost,
I seek a post,
With wage commensurate.
"I'll serve you well;
My 'fiendish yell'
Is certain sure to please.
'Sepulchral tones,'
And 'rattling bones,'
I'm very good at these.
"Five bob I charge
To roam at large,
With 'clanking chains' ad lib.;
I do such things
As 'gibberings'
At one-and-three per gib.
"Or, by the week,
I merely seek
Two pounds--which is not dear;
Because I need,
Of course, no feed,
No washing, and no beer."
Higgs thought it o'er
A bit, before
He hired the family ghost,
But, finally,
He did agree
To give to him the post.
It got about--
You know, no doubt,
How quickly such news flies--
Throughout the place,
From "Higgses Chase"
Proceeded ghostly cries.
The rumour spread,
Folks shook their head,
But dropped in one by one.
A bishop came
(Forget his name),
And then the thing was done.
For afterwards
All left their cards,
"Because," said they, "you see,
One who can boast
A family ghost
Respectable must be."
When it was due,
The "ghostes's" screw
Higgs raised--as was but right--
They often play,
In friendly way,
A game of cards at night.
G. E. Farrow.
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