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Category: Funny Parody Poems
       Classic humorous and funny poems using parody - an imitation of a writer, artist, or genre, with exaggeration for comic effect.

  THE POETS AT TEA  

1--(Macaulay, who made it)

Pour, varlet, pour the water,
    The water steaming hot!
A spoonful for each man of us,
    Another for the pot!
We shall not drink from amber,
    Nor Capuan slave shall mix
For us the snows of Athos
    With port at thirty-six;
Whiter than snow the crystals,
    Grown sweet 'neath tropic fires,
More rich the herbs of China's field,
The pasture-lands more fragrance yield;
For ever let Britannia wield
    The tea-pot of her sires!

2--(Tennyson, who took it hot)

I think that I am drawing to an end:
For on a sudden came a gasp for breath,
And stretching of the hands, and blinded eyes,
And a great darkness falling on my soul.
O Hallelujah!... Kindly pass the milk.

3--(Swinburne, who let it get cold)

As the sin that was sweet in the sinning
    Is foul in the ending thereof,
As the heat of the summer's beginning
    Is past in the winter of love:
O purity, painful and pleading!
    O coldness, ineffably gray!
Oh, hear us, our handmaid unheeding.
    And take it away!

4--(Cowper, who thoroughly enjoyed it)

The cosy fire is bright and gay,
The merry kettle boils away
        And hums a cheerful song.
I sing the saucer and the cup;
Pray, Mary, fill the tea-pot up,
        And do not make it strong.

5--(Browning, who treated it allegorically)

Tut! Bah! We take as another case--
    Pass the bills on the pills on the window-sill; notice the capsule
(A sick man's fancy, no doubt, but I place
    Reliance on trade-marks, Sir)--so perhaps you'll
Excuse the digression--this cup which I hold
    Light-poised--Bah, it's spilt in the bed!--well, let's on go--
Hold Bohea and sugar, Sir; if you were told
    The sugar was salt, would the Bohea be Congo?

6--(Wordsworth, who gave it away)

"Come, little cottage girl, you seem
    To want my cup of tea;
And will you take a little cream?
    Now tell the truth to me."

She had a rustic, woodland grin,
    Her cheek was soft as silk,
And she replied, "Sir, please put in
    A little drop of milk."

"Why, what put milk into your head?
    'Tis cream my cows supply;"
And five times to the child I said,
    "Why, pig-head, tell me, why?"

"You call me pig-head," she replied;
    "My proper name is Ruth.
I called that milk"--she blushed with pride--
    "You bade me speak the truth."

7--(Poe, who got excited over it)

Here's a mellow cup of tea, golden tea!
What a world of rapturous thought its fragrance brings to me!
    Oh, from out the silver cells
    How it wells!
    How it smells!
Keeping tune, tune, tune
To the tintinnabulation of the spoon.
And the kettle on the fire
Boils its spout off with desire,
With a desperate desire
And a crystalline endeavour
Now, now to sit, or never,
On the top of the pale-faced moon,
But he always came home to tea, tea, tea, tea, tea,
            Tea to the n----th.

8--(Rossetti, who took six cups of it)

The lilies lie in my lady's bower
(O weary mother, drive the cows to roost),
They faintly droop for a little hour;
My lady's head droops like a flower.

She took the porcelain in her hand
(O weary mother, drive the cows to roost);
She poured; I drank at her command;
Drank deep, and now--you understand!
(O weary mother, drive the cows to roost.)

9--(Burns, who liked it adulterated)

Weel, gin ye speir, I'm no inclined,
Whusky or tay--to state my mind,
            Fore ane or ither;
    For, gin I tak the first, I'm fou,
    And gin the next, I'm dull as you,
            Mix a' thegither.
10--(Walt Whitman, who didn't stay more than a minute)

One cup for myself-hood,
Many for you. Allons, camerados, we will drink together,
O hand-in-hand! That tea-spoon, please, when you've done with it.
What butter-colour'd hair you've got. I don't want to be personal.
All right, then, you needn't. You're a stale-cadaver.
Eighteen-pence if the bottles are returned.
Allons, from all bat-eyed formula.

                                                            Barry Pain.


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