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Category: Funny Satire Poems
       Classic humorous and funny poems using irony, exaggeration and ridicule, to expose and criticize stupidity and vices.

  DOUBLE BALLADE OF PRIMITIVE MAN  

He lived in a cave by the seas,
    He lived upon oysters and foes,
But his list of forbidden degrees
    An extensive morality shows;
Geological evidence goes
    To prove he had never a pan,
But he shaved with a shell when he chose,--
    'Twas the manner of Primitive Man.

He worshipp'd the rain and the breeze,
    He worshipp'd the river that flows,
And the Dawn, and the Moon, and the trees
    And bogies, and serpents, and crows;
He buried his dead with their toes
    Tucked-up, an original plan,
Till their knees came right under their nose,--
    'Twas the manner of Primitive Man.

His communal wives, at his ease,
    He would curb with occasional blows
Or his State had a queen, like the bees
    (As another philosopher trows):
When he spoke, it was never in prose,
    But he sang in a strain that would scan,
For (to doubt it, perchance, were morose)
    'Twas the manner of Primitive Man!

On the coasts that incessantly freeze,
    With his stones, and his bones, and his bows,
On luxuriant tropical leas,
    Where the summer eternally glows,
He is found, and his habits disclose
    (Let theology say what she can)
That he lived in the long, long agos,
    Twas the manner of Primitive Man!

From a status like that of the Crees
    Our society's fabric arose,--
Develop'd, evolved, if you please,
    But deluded chronologists chose,
In a fancied accordance with Mos
    es, 4000 |B.C.| for the span
When he rushed on the world and its woes,--
    'Twas the manner of Primitive Man.

But the mild anthropologist--he's
    Not recent inclined to suppose
Flints PalÊolithic like these,
    Quaternary bones such as those!
In Rhinoceros, Mammoth and Co.'s
    First epoch the Human began
Theologians all to expose,--
    'Tis the mission of Primitive Man.

                            ENVOY

Max, proudly your Aryans pose,
    But their rigs they undoubtedly ran,
For, as every Darwinian knows,
    'Twas the manner of Primitive Man!

                                            Andrew Lang.


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