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Category: Funny Satire Poems
       Classic humorous and funny poems using irony, exaggeration and ridicule, to expose and criticize stupidity and vices.

  THE CANDIDATE'S CREED  

I du believe in Freedom's cause,
    Ez fur away ez Paris is;
I love to see her stick her claws
    In them infarnal Pharisees;
It's wal enough agin a king
    To dror resolves and triggers,--
But libbaty's a kind o' thing
    Thet don't agree with niggers.

I du believe the people want
    A tax on teas and coffees,
Thet nothin' ain't extravygunt,--
    Purvidin' I'm in office;
For I hev loved my country sence
    My eye-teeth filled their sockets,
An' Uncle Sam I reverence,
    Partic'larly his pockets.

I du believe in any plan
    O' levyin' the taxes,
Ez long ez, like a lumberman,
    I git jest wut I axes:
I go free-trade thru thick an' thin,
    Because it kind o' rouses
The folks to vote--and keep us in
    Our quiet custom-houses.

I du believe it's wise an' good
    To sen' out furrin missions,
Thet is, on sartin understood
    An' orthydox conditions;--
I mean nine thousan' dolls, per ann.,
    Nine thousan' more fer outfit,
An' me to recommend a man
    The place 'ould jest about fit.

I du believe in special ways
    O' prayin' an' convartin';
The bread comes back in many days,
    An' buttered, tu, fer sartin;--
I mean in preyin' till one busts
    On wut the party chooses,
An' in convartin' public trusts
    To very privit uses.

I do believe hard coin the stuff
    Fer 'lectioneers to spout on;
The people's ollers soft enough
    To make hard money out on;
Dear Uncle Sam pervides fer his,
    An' gives a good-sized junk to all--
I don't care how hard money is,
    Ez long ez mine's paid punctooal.

I du believe with all my soul
    In the gret Press's freedom,
To pint the people to the goal
    An' in the traces lead 'em:
Palsied the arm thet forges yokes
    At my fat contracts squintin',
An' withered be the nose thet pokes
    Inter the gov'ment printin'!

I du believe thet I should give
    Wut's his'n unto CÊsar,
Fer it's by him I move an' live,
    From him my bread an' cheese air.
I du believe thet all o' me
    Doth bear his souperscription,--
Will, conscience, honor, honesty,
    An' things o' thet description.

I du believe in prayer an' praise
    To him thet hez the grantin'
O' jobs--in every thin' thet pays,
    But most of all in |Cantin'|;
This doth my cup with marcies fill,
    This lays all thought o' sin to rest--
I don't believe in princerple,
    But, O, I du in interest.

I du believe in bein' this
    Or thet, ez it may happen
One way, or t' other hendiest is
    To ketch the people nappin';
It ain't by princerples nor men
    My preudent course is steadied--
I scent wich pays the best, an' then
    Go into it baldheaded.

I du believe thet holdin' slaves
    Comes nat'ral tu a President,
Let 'lone the rowdedow it saves
    To have a wal-broke precedunt;
Fer any office, small or gret,
    I couldn't ax with no face,
Without I'd been, thru dry an' wet,
    The unrizziest kind o' doughface.

I du believe wutever trash
    'll keep the people in blindness,--
Thet we the Mexicans can thrash
    Right inter brotherly kindness--
Thet bombshells, grape, an' powder 'n' ball
    Air good-will's strongest magnets--
Thet peace, to make it stick at all,
    Must be druv in with bagnets.

In short, I firmly du believe
    In Humbug generally,
Fer it's a thing thet I perceive
    To hev a solid vally;
This heth my faithful shepherd ben,
    In pastures sweet heth led me,
An' this'll keep the people green
    To feed ez they have fed me.

                    James Russell Lowell.


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