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Category: Funny Whimsical Poems
       Classic humorous and funny poems using whimsy. Humourosly quaint and fanciful, especially in an amusing way.

  A NEW SONG OF NEW SIMILES  

My passion is as mustard strong;
    I sit all sober sad;
Drunk as a piper all day long,
    Or like a March-hare mad.

Round as a hoop the bumpers flow;
    I drink, yet can't forget her;
For though as drunk as David's sow
    I love her still the better.

Pert as a pear-monger I'd be,
    If Molly were but kind;
Cool as a cucumber could see
    The rest of womankind.

Like a stuck pig I gaping stare,
    And eye her o'er and o'er;
Lean as a rake, with sighs and care,
    Sleek as a mouse before.

Plump as a partridge was I known,
    And soft as silk my skin;
My cheeks as fat as butter grown,
    But as a goat now thin!

I melancholy as a cat,
    Am kept awake to weep;
But she, insensible of that,
    Sound as a top can sleep.

Hard is her heart as flint or stone,
    She laughs to see me pale;
And merry as a grig is grown,
    And brisk as bottled ale.

The god of Love at her approach
    Is busy as a bee;
Hearts sound as any bell or roach,
    Are smit and sigh like me.

Ah me! as thick as hops or hail
    The fine men crowd about her;
But soon as dead as a door-nail
    Shall I be, if without her.

Straight as my leg her shape appears,
    O were we join'd together!
My heart would be scot-free from cares,
    And lighter than a feather.

As fine as five-pence is her mien,
    No drum was ever tighter;
Her glance is as the razor keen,
    And not the sun is brighter.

As soft as pap her kisses are,
    Methinks I taste them yet;
Brown as a berry is her hair,
    Her eyes as black as jet.

As smooth as glass, as white as curds
    Her pretty hand invites;
Sharp as her needle are her words,
    Her wit like pepper bites.

Brisk as a body-louse she trips,
    Clean as a penny drest;
Sweet as a rose her breath and lips,
    Round as the globe her breast.

Full as an egg was I with glee,
    And happy as a king:
Good Lord! how all men envied me!
    She loved like any thing.

But false as hell, she, like the wind,
    Chang'd, as her sex must do;
Though seeming as the turtle kind,
    And like the gospel true.

If I and Molly could agree,
    Let who would take Peru!
Great as an Emperor should I be,
    And richer than a Jew.

Till you grow tender as a chick,
    I'm dull as any post;
Let us like burs together stick,
    And warm as any toast.

You'll know me truer than a die,
    And wish me better sped;
Flat as a flounder when I lie,
    And as a herring dead.

Sure as a gun she'll drop a tear
    And sigh, perhaps, and wish,
When I am rotten as a pear,
    And mute as any fish.

                                John Gay.


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