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Category: Funny Women Poems
       Classic humorous and funny poems for women, and about women. The good, the bad, and the lovely.

  TU QUOQUE  

             AN IDYLL IN THE CONSERVATORY

                                 |nellie|
If I were you, when ladies at the play, Sir,
    Beckon and nod, a melodrama through,
I would not turn abstractedly away, Sir,
    If I were you!

                                 |frank|
If I were you, when persons I affected,
    Wait for three hours to take me down to Kew,
I would at least pretend I recollected,
    If I were you!

                                 |nellie|
If I were you, when ladies are so lavish,
    Sir, as to keep me every waltz but two,
I would not dance with odious Miss M'Tavish,
    If I were you!

                                 |frank|
If I were you, who vow you cannot suffer
    Whiff of the best,--the mildest "honey dew,"
I would not dance with smoke-consuming Puffer,
    If I were you!

                                 |nellie|
If I were you, I would not, Sir, be bitter,
    Even to write the "Cynical Review";--

                                 |frank|
No, I should doubtless find flirtation fitter,
    If I were you!

                                 |nellie|
Really! You would? Why, Frank, you're quite delightful,--
    Hot as Othello, and as black of hue;
Borrow my fan. I would not look so frightful,
    If I were you!

                                 |frank|
"It is the cause." I mean your chaperon is
    Bringing some well-curled juvenile. Adieu!
I shall retire. I'd spare that poor Adonis,
    If I were you!

                                 |nellie|
Go, if you will. At once! And by express, Sir!
    Where shall it be? To China--or Peru?
Go. I should leave inquirers my address, Sir,
    If I were you!

                                 |frank|
No--I remain. To stay and fight a duel
    Seems, on the whole, the proper thing to do--
Ah, you are strong,--I would not then be cruel,
    If I were you!

                                 |nellie|
One does not like one's feelings to be doubted,--

                                 |frank|
One does not like one's friends to misconstrue,--

                                 |nellie|
If I confess that I a wee-bit pouted?

                                 |frank|
I should admit that I was piquÈ, too.

                                 |nellie|
Ask me to dance. I'd say no more about it,
    If I were you!

                     [Waltz--Exeunt.]

                                                 Austin Dobson.


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