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Category: Funny Women Poems
       Classic humorous and funny poems for women, and about women. The good, the bad, and the lovely.

  MRS. SMITH  

Last year I trod these fields with Di,
Fields fresh with clover and with rye;
    They now seem arid!
Then Di was fair and single; how
Unfair it seems on me, for now
    Di's fair--and married!

A blissful swain--I scorn'd the song
Which says that though young Love is strong,
    The Fates are stronger;
Breezes then blew a boon to men,
The buttercups were bright, and then
    This grass was longer.

That day I saw and much esteem'd
Di's ankles, which the clover seem'd
    Inclined to smother;
It twitch'd, and soon untied (for fun)
The ribbon of her shoes, first one,
    And then the other.

I'm told that virgins augur some
Misfortune if their shoe-strings come
    To grief on Friday:
And so did Di, and then her pride
Decreed that shoe-strings so untied
    Are "so untidy!"

Of course I knelt; with fingers deft
I tied the right, and then the left;
    Says Di, "The stubble
Is very stupid!--as I live,
I'm quite ashamed!--I'm shock'd to give
    You so much trouble!"

For answer I was fain to sink
To what we all would say and think
    Were Beauty present:
"Don't mention such a simple act--
A trouble? not the least! in fact
    It's rather pleasant!"

I trust that Love will never tease
Poor little Di, or prove that he's
    A graceless rover.
She's happy now as Mrs. Smith--
And less polite when walking with
    Her chosen lover!

Heigh-ho! Although no moral clings
To Di's blue eyes, and sandal strings,
    We've had our quarrels!--
I think that Smith is thought an ass;
I know that when they walk in grass
    She wears balmorals.

                Frederick Locker-Lampson.


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