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Category: Funny Banter Poems
       Classic humorous and funny poems in a playful, teasing, and good-natured way.

  ST. PATRICK OF IRELAND, MY DEAR!  

A fig for St. Denis of France--
    He's a trumpery fellow to brag on;
A fig for St. George and his lance,
    Which spitted a heathenish dragon;
And the saints of the Welshman or Scot
    Are a couple of pitiful pipers,
Both of whom may just travel to pot,
    Compared with that patron of swipers--
        St. Patrick of Ireland, my dear!

He came to the Emerald Isle
    On a lump of a paving-stone mounted;
The steamboat he beat by a mile,
    Which mighty good sailing was counted.
Says he, "The salt water, I think,
    Has made me most bloodily thirsty;
So bring me a flagon of drink
    To keep down the mulligrubs, burst ye!
        Of drink that is fit for a saint!"

He preached, then, with wonderful force,
    The ignorant natives a-teaching;
With a pint he washed down his discourse,
    "For," says he, "I detest your dry preaching."
The people, with wonderment struck
    At a pastor so pious and civil,
Exclaimed--"We're for you, my old buck!
    And we pitch our blind gods to the devil,
        Who dwells in hot water below!"

This ended, our worshipful spoon
    Went to visit an elegant fellow,
Whose practice, each cool afternoon,
    Was to get most delightfully mellow.
That day with a black-jack of beer,
    It chanced he was treating a party;
Says the saint--"This good day, do you hear,
    I drank nothing to speak of, my hearty!
        So give me a pull at the pot!"

The pewter he lifted in sport
    (Believe me, I tell you no fable);
A gallon he drank from the quart,
    And then placed it full on the table.
"A miracle!" every one said--
    And they all took a haul at the stingo;
They were capital hands at the trade,
    And drank till they fell; yet, by jingo,
        The pot still frothed over the brim.

Next day, quoth his host, "'Tis a fast,
    And I've nought in my larder but mutton;
And on Fridays who'd made such repast,
    Except an unchristian-like glutton?"
Says Pat, "Cease your nonsense, I beg--
    What you tell me is nothing but gammon;
Take my compliments down to the leg,
    And bid it come hither a salmon!"
        And the leg most politely complied.

You've heard, I suppose, long ago,
    How the snakes, in a manner most antic,
He marched to the county Mayo,
    And trundled them into th' Atlantic.
Hence, not to use water for drink,
    The people of Ireland determine--
With mighty good reason, I think,
    Since St. Patrick has filled it with vermin
        And vipers, and other such stuff!

Oh, he was an elegant blade
    As you'd meet from Fairhead to Kilcrumper;
And though under the sod he is laid,
    Yet here goes his health in a bumper!
I wish he was here, that my glass
    He might by art magic replenish;
But since he is not--why, alas!
    My ditty must come to a finish,--
        Because all the liquor is out!

                                 William Maginn.


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